Power Before Forgiveness: What I’ve Seen Working with Women Who Have Been Hurt

After years of sitting with women in their grief, betrayal, disappointment, and heartbreak, I’ve learned something that has reshaped the way I understand healing: Forgiveness only becomes possible when a woman has her power back. Not before. Most women try to forgive far too early and
not because they’re “evolved,” but because they were conditioned to be accommodating, understanding, spiritually gracious, or “above it.”

I have never once seen early forgiveness truly free someone.
What I have seen is women who forgive too soon:

• abandon their own truth

• minimize the harm

• repeat the same pattern

• feel confused about why the pain still lives in their body

• collapse into self-blame

• stay in relationships that drain them

• spiritualize their wounds instead of tending to them

The body does not care that you “know how to forgive.”
The body cares whether you feel safe, powerful, and self-respecting again.

Forgiveness cannot happen from a collapsed nervous system.
It cannot happen when the person still has emotional power over you.
It cannot happen when your truth hasn’t been spoken inside your own heart.

Forgiveness requires ground, clarity, and strength.
And strength often returns through one door: Anger.

The Role of Anger in Women’s Healing

In my work, I’ve noticed that many women fear their anger, not because it’s destructive, but because they were taught it was unfeminine, unsafe, or unspiritual. So they bypass it.

They go straight to:

• “I understand why he did that.”

• “They didn’t mean to hurt me.”

• “I don’t want to hold resentment.”

• “I’ve already forgiven them.”

But their body tells another story:

• tight chest

• heaviness in the belly

• exhaustion

• looping thoughts

• unresolved grief

• anxiety that comes out of nowhere

This is what it looks like when the system is not ready to forgive, even when the mind thinks it should.

Anger is not the problem. Anger is the messenger.

It says: “Something important happened. Please don’t rush past this.”

When women finally allow themselves to feel their anger, not explode, not lash out, but feel, something shifts.

They stop abandoning themselves.
They stop taking responsibility for other people’s behaviour.
They stop making themselves small.

They return to themselves.

This is the foundation forgiveness needs.

Why You Must Have Power First

I tell clients this often: You don’t forgive to be a good person. You forgive when you are a whole person again. From years of witnessing this process, here is what I’ve learned.

A woman can only forgive once she feels:

• grounded in her boundaries

• clear about the truth of what happened

• emotionally disentangled

• no longer hoping for repair from the person who hurt her

• no longer afraid of losing connection

• fully back in her own self-respect

Forgiveness is unable to grow in the soil of powerlessness. It grows only where there is self-honoring.

A Practice I Use With Clients: Meeting Your Anger With Compassion

This is a practice I’ve used with many women, and it often becomes the turning point. Set aside a few minutes.

1. Notice Where Anger Lives in Your Body

Think about the situation or person you want to forgive.

Ask yourself: “Where do I feel this in my body?”

You may feel:

• heat in the chest

• a knot in the stomach

• tension in the jaw

• heaviness in the ribs

Place your hand on that area.

2. Ask Your Anger What It Wants You to Know

Gently ask: “What are you trying to tell me?”

Let it answer.

Women often hear things like:

• “I deserved better.”

• “That was not okay.”

• “I needed someone to protect me.”

• “I’m still hurting.”

• “I need boundaries now.”

Do not push past this. Do not shame it. Just listen.

3. Validate the Truth

Say internally: “You’re right to feel this way. Thank you for protecting me.”

When a woman validates her own anger, something softens. Not toward the person who harmed her but toward herself.

4. Ask What Needs to Happen Before Forgiveness Is Even Considered

This is where clarity emerges.

Ask: “What do I need in place before forgiveness becomes possible?”

Sometimes the answer is:

• distance

• safety

• closure

• clearer boundaries

• accountability

• time

• recognition of harm

This is the map. These are your steps before forgiveness.

5. Check for Readiness, Not Pressure

When you feel steadier, ask: “Do I feel even a tiny shift toward release?”

If the answer is yes, that’s enough. If the answer is no, honor that.

Forgiveness has seasons. You cannot force the winter to bloom.

Forgiveness as an Outcome, Not a Goal

After years of sitting with stories of betrayal, disappointment, and rupture, this is the truest thing I know:

Forgiveness is not something you perform. It’s something that naturally arises when your power is restored.

It is not demanded.
It is not rushed.
It is not expected by anyone else.

It emerges when your nervous system no longer feels threatened and your sense of self no longer feels compromised.

Forgiveness is not the beginning of healing. It is the result of healing.

And it begins the moment you stop abandoning yourself.